Thread:Manzai/@comment-3327121-20130515002143

Hey Manzai,

Sorry that it took so very long to reply. My life has been really hectic lately, plus I was out sick for four days. I got around to finishing reading what you have so far. Heh, I was expecting you to have completed one section and about to start another, but it literally ended mid-sentence. By the looks of this chapter, it seems like you’re up to your usual standard. You have a real mastery over description of action/fight scenes.

It was also nice and new to get some background of the war going on when the refugees were being told why they had no escorts, as so far all of the focus has been on Zhengyi, Wu and the Hei Chaoliu. We didn’t know as much about the war before other than it was going on and it was between Ba Sing Se and Omashu. Same with the look at the rebels and their motives.

Juan Qu’s defense of why he didn’t do search parties was also pretty compelling to read. It allows one to feel for all the characters, major and minor. It also makes the world seem more realistic. Interesting that the sandbenders have their own language, but in the show everyone from every part of the world spoke the same language from the Foggy Swamp Tribe to the Sun Warriors, with no accents or dialects or anything. (Granted, this is from a Nick cartoon show, but still, after taking a course in linguistics, I noticed that.)

I learned a couple of new words today - “hamlet” and “ululation” - which I had had to look up in the dictionary. How did you come up with the names of the locations you used in this chapter, like Shi Wan River and Bu Shai Basin? Same with Earth King Jinling’s name.

I hope you don’t mind, but I noticed these while I was reading:

“...when a geyser of sand exploded just to then left...” Then should be the.

“The sand was soft under his feet, but it was s loose...” You forgot the o in so.

Also, you used similar words kind of close together on a couple occasions, like bed and wagon. Some synonyms and rephrasing couldn’t hurt. Aside from those small little things, it’s all phenomenal!

How’s everything else going with the original story planning and the teaching certification? I got a TESL certificate so I may teach English as a Second Language overseas at some point. I’d also like to write original stories in the future. Had a couple ideas, but haven’t gotten very far with them yet.

-ARG 