Thread:Minnichi/@comment-3327121-20120706054243/@comment-5047861-20120807025148

I finally did some editing on your latest chapter, but only in the very beginning sections.

Let me know if you don't like some of my rewording, and I'll wait to see what you think before I try anything else. One of the things I changed around a lot was dialogue, so I'll mention it here. I think that the paragraphs in quotations sometimes go a little too long without describing the speakers. Also while one person is talking for a long time, it'd sound more natural if you refer back to the listener every once in a while, such as their reactions or how they're taking the words.

Other thing I poked around at was some of the introductory paragraphs before people speak (Toph's throne room in this case). I tried to make the facts you put in there flow better with the rest of the paragraph, since new statements about guards being absent or how they're not needed felt somewhat out-of-place the way they were worded.

But that's just my take on it so far. You'll probably see what I'm talking about in the revision. Hope it's alright with you!